Outed At Work! - Part 2

In follow up to my last post where a colleague coincidentally came across my photo on the Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome Wikipedia page, I just wanted to mention that this has been no big deal.  I sent my colleague a short Facebook message (since we are Facebook friends, but don't really hang out at all except for an occasional group lunch in the corporate cafeteria) mentioning that I had heard he had found out, and was available to answer any questions he had.  His response was along the lines of "Meh... No big deal," and it's been dropped since then.

I've found that this condition is usually "no big deal" to most people who find out.  I think that some of us with AIS or other DSD/intersex conditions find it a much bigger deal than those people around us.  Not to downplay it for those of you for whom it is a big deal.  But as a friend of mine is fond of saying - it's simultaneously the biggest, most important, and the smallest, most trivial thing.  How much it matters really depends on where you are in your life and in dealing with it.  For me, it's made me who I am today in so many ways, but is one of the last things on my mind on a busy day balancing work, friends, family, and health in general.

Outed at Work!

I was out-ed at work today!

Sort of. :)

I met up with an old co-worker for lunch today.  Had a frozen daiquiri to decompress after what's been a pretty crappy few weeks in the office.  When I returned to my computer, ever so slightly, pleasantly buzzed, a co-worker (who knows about me having AIS) pinged me quickly over Communicator.

"I just sent you a Facebook message because I thought you'd gone home for the day."

I checked my messages.  Apparently one of our co-workers was reading a post on a forum about a female athlete who might have AIS.  There was a link to a page about AIS, where I happen to be pictured, and he came across it.  What a crazy coincidence!

She wanted to let me know he had asked if it were me in the photo.  She confirmed it was.  They didn't talk more about it apparently.  It doesn't bother me he came across it.  Of course, if I had wanted to keep this a secret forever, I never would have agreed to inclusion in the photo.  But it did come as a big surprise...

I wonder if he'll tell others we work with?  Probably about 10 people already know.  It should be interesting to see if the fact spreads...

Doctor's Response and a Planned Disclosure

I got my first response to my outreach letters a few days ago. From the head of urology at a hospital that treats children, and they are "ramping up" their expertise and services to children with DSD, so he said my letter came at the perfect time!

I am really looking forward to getting contacted the next time they have a patient or family who would like some peer support.

As for the amazing guy I mentioned a few posts previously - he and I have had three "dates" thus far and the next one is scheduled for Sunday. It has been nearly impossible to see each other given my being out of town for work, his being out of town for vacation, and even more trips planned coming up. Aside from that though, I am sensing a slowness on his part. And we are both really patiently and deliberately getting to know one another without rushing anything. I like this approach. A lot.

This guy is really unlike anyone I think I've ever met, and I find myself really treasuring our conversations. There has been absolutely zero physical contact, but due to the nature of our conversations and some email exchanges, I feel in some ways more intimate with him than I have felt with anyone for a very long time.

In this case I've chosen a somewhat phased approach to disclosure of having AIS.

On our third date, my being infertile came up. I had broached the subject in an earlier email where we discussed the pivotal "events" in our lives that had shaped us. He has shared some very heavy stuff with me already, so on date #3 I related the story of my surgery at 17 and the events leading up to it. He now knows exactly what I knew up until 2 1/2 - 3 years ago. I told him there was more to the story, but that I'd have to save the rest for another time given how short our last date had to be.

On Sunday most likely, I'll bring up the AIS. I'm half nervous. And half strangely not. If everything I've interpeted about this guy's character is true, it will be no big deal, and he will respect me more for having shared it with him, and for the positive things I have done with my new-found knowledge.

And if not? Well, I'll cross that bridge then.

His reaction to the infertility issue was surprise that it had really ever bugged anyone else, and reassurance that this wasn't an issue for him. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for an equally positive reaction to the next big "event" in my life where I learned the full truth of my diagnosis.

I'll keep you updated. Send good vibes.

Disclosing at Work

Have any of you had any experience disclosing your AIS or other intersex status to co-workers or managers?

At the moment, I have no one to disclose to, because I am unemployed and looking for work. However, I have had the opportunity to disclose this information in job interviews. I have not yet, for fear that I might be discriminated against, but it's something I have been thinking about should the right occasion arise.

Let's do a thought experiment: Your prospective employer asks you an interview question like, "What is the biggest obstacle you've ever had to overcome?". Now, if they want the truth, maybe being intersex would be one of the bigger obstacles in one's life. Although, we don't usually talk about our genitals or our chromosomes in those situations, do we?

Or suppose you are being interviewed for a writing job. Or in my case, a web marketing job. The prospective manager wants to know I am fully web savvy and have worked a lot with social media before. Some of my blogs, like this one, would be the perfect thing to show. Yet again, there is a risk there that this type of material would be found inappropriate at this stage in the professional game. Not to mention the bias or prejudice you might encounter when you are too frank, or too genuine.

As I have mentioned before, I have thought about totally "outing" myself in some public forum. And I probably will one day. My real name is so uncommon that there is probably only one of me out there online, and it would not be difficult for me to choose what I'd like people to know about me through a single Google search.

Any thoughts on the matter?

Disclosing to Acquaintances

To date, I've "come out" about my AIS to a few dozen people. Reactions have ranged from very positive to pretty indifferent. None have really proven negative. Of course, there are segments of people I am intentionally avoiding (for now). High school classmates from my small, homogenous, Midwestern town for starters. Certain extended family members who I don't feel need to know just now.

I have told a few near-strangers recently. Not because I feel the need to disclose this information to everyone, but because the nonprofit I am a part of (an AIS support group) somehow came up in the context of a conversation. One of these near-strangers, who I had met at a networking event once before, and who I ran into coincidentally at a coffee shop weeks later, seemed pretty taken aback at first. I never would have told him, but he had asked what nonprofit group I was trying to help out, so I thought, "Why not?" and just blurted it out.

He seemed a bit shocked, and I could see him almost unconsciously scanning my face and body before saying, "Well, you could never tell by looking at you!" I was a bit taken aback by that myself for some reason, but then realized, he wasn't saying anything negative. He was probably trying to be somewhat positive. And what's more, he was processing some very unexpected news - which you certainly don't hear every day. And I was certainly nervous, just throwing out all the cards on the table like that to someone I barely knew.

He found the condition interesting, and asked a few follow-up questions. "Is it like Fragile X?" he asked. "Not exactly," I answered. Though I didn't really know what Fragile X was. "Though it is a trait sometimes passed through the X-chromosome. Though sometimes, like in my case, it seems to be spontaneous."

He seemed to want to know more, so I explained what I could about the condition, and how I had only just found out, having been lied to as a teenager. He was sympathetic, and also intrigued. I offered to send him some URLs to read up more on the condition. And he later did, asking one or two follow-up questions.

His reaction was interesting because it was the first time I've really seen someone processing the information in this way. Really wanting to know more and understand it. I wonder if us not knowing each other well gave him more freedom to look at it from a more scientific angle.

At any rate, the experience, while definitely positive, made me think more about ways to disclose this information to people. As well as the variation in reactions I could get - some that might feel negative. I think it's important for those of us who are intersex to realize that to some people this is big, confusing news, and their reactions are going to vary - possibly widely - and we won't always like them.

Rather than fear their reactions, or react in a knee-jerk way, perhaps it is our responsibility to be more informed and more forgiving. Sure, we don't "owe" anyone anything, but only compassion and understanding can breed compassion and understanding. Perhaps we as intersex folks have to be the bigger people.

What about you? How have you disclosed your intersex status? What reactions have you gotten? And in turn, how did you react?