Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Fourth Reading

A good friend did a Tarot reading for me recently. This is the fourth she's done for me, and all have turned out remarkably accurate - for the most part. She predicted I would change jobs, just three weeks after I thought I had "settled" on one. And two weeks later I had an offer paying 50% more at a higher level. She also predicted the course of events related to a family struggle I had, and also relating to a guy I dated over a year ago. (Of course, I could already have seen that latter train wreck coming.)

The only place she's failed is in her foretelling that I would meet a younger and "emotionally volatile, but sincere" man and that we would become a couple. The closest I've gotten to emotionally volatile is a loony actor/model who was three years older, and whose "sincerity" if you can call it that, lasted all of two weeks. So I don't think I've met him yet.

Interestingly, he showed up again (the same card - Page of Cups) in the fourth reading, in the same position. I think I grimaced when she flipped the card, because I felt like he was taunting me. If I didn't get so agitated when she does these readings, I think I could safely call myself an atheist, but something about these cards and the way that the majority of her descriptions seem to come true in the order she predicts still freaks me out a bit. You could call it self-fulfilling prophecy or the tendency humans have to look for patterns, or create them when they're not there. But that would ruin some of the fun.

The biggest takeaway from this last reading was that I've already embarked on some major change. "You've already put it in motion," she said. "You've had your 'Aha!' moment already... It's not about money... It's not about meeting others' expectations... You've been preparing most of your life for this, and you didn't know it." My friend, a Tarot-reading atheist, predicted a focus on something very different, more opportunities for freedom, and a "non-traditional happiness".

I could interpret this as my cue to quit my job and fly back to Cambodia, or even New York, both of which I've been missing a bit recently. I think my tendency is to look for an escape path, or some definitive way to force myself to move on when life isn't perfect, so I am resisting the urge to do something drastic like pack up two suitcases and rent out my condo. (Though I love the idea that I could if I really wanted.)

All superstition and mysticism aside, this friend of mine knows me well, and I think that subconsciously or consciously, she's encouraging me to "get on with it" and enjoy life a little more. I've heard at different times from her that I work too much, that I'm not selfish enough, that I don't make enough demands of other people, or stand up for myself, and I think that she's right.

There is a point to this story - believe it or not. I've been thinking about this in the context of work, and my personal life, and the conference in Seattle last weekend. I am still feeling energized after those four days, and I've used that energy to do a few things get the minimum done at work, in the shortest amount of time, and spend the rest of my energy on my own projects, and my own health. For the latter, I was inspired by some of the lectures I attended at the conference. I called my old gynecologist's office today, and demanded they send me my records from 17 years ago. (I hope they still have them.) Though I think I know them already, I really want all the details they concealed from me so long ago. I also made an appointment in another city with a better endocrinologist than my current one, to talk about my overall health. I'm calling in sick that day and I'm not feeling guilty about it. And I'm going to keep seeing different endos until I find one that I really like - who will educate herself in these conditions if she doesn't know them already, who will really listen to me and work for me, not in some traditionally paternalistic way, where doctors call all the shots because they think they know best. They often don't.

Lastly, I'm not putting so much pressure on myself to make things perfect. I ate scrambled eggs and rice for dinner tonight, and it was delicious. I finished off a bottle of wine that's been sitting in my fridge for the last week. I'm leaving a half-done project lying on my living room floor. And it will likely sit there through the weekend as I go to a few shows in Denver and Boulder. It's summer after all.

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