Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Results of Disclosure

So... the guy I mentioned a few posts ago has become a bigger part of my life than I expected.  Between then and now, I disclosed to him about my having AIS, before things got too intimate.  He was incredibly cool about it, and continues to amaze me the more I get to know him.  He is truly a remarkable person.

I've decided to refrain from posting much about my personal life outside of AIS, here on the blog.  Not because I am too sensitive about my personal life, but because many of the readers here know who I am in real life, and I am not sure I am wholly comfortable telling all of them the intimate details of my daily life. :)  Rest assured though, that I am actually NOT closeted about having AIS.  Though I do use a pen name here, I find it useful to separate my persona for other reasons not related to being X,Y or intersex.

But back to my disclosure to this amazing person.  Not only has this given me hope for myself in meeting someone really, really wonderful...  This supports the strong belief I have that disclosure is more often than not a positive thing, and that for those of you who fear to tell a potential boyfriend/girlfriend or friend about this portion of your life, more often than not, people are cooler than you might imagine about it.

The fear of disclosure, and the feelings that I have harbored over not telling someone have always been worse than the consequences of actually just "coming out" and telling them.

Best of luck to you all in disclosing as well when the time is right for you.


  1. I first want to say that I enjoy your blog very much. As a CAIS woman, I find it very affirming to be able to see stories that I can relate to on the web. But I do to take issue with your use of the word, "closeted". The process of dealing with condition for many AIS women is very traumatic, as you know. In fact, I would say being able to "get away with it" can sometimes create more anxiety. The fear of rejection and the desire to assimilate are very great. Sharing this information with friends and/or lovers can be very difficult. And I choose to be very selective. Just as with any piece of information--I share it when I am ready. That is my right. But I understand that many people would disagree. I am speaking specifically about the genotype. I never not tell boyfriends or partners about the fact that I am infertile.

  2. Thanks for your comments! :)

    Hm... Maybe "closeted" isn't the best word choice. I DO think that my approach and decisions about whom to disclose to and when, work for me, and are not for everyone. I totally respect your decision about to whom and when to disclose.

    Just curious - it sounds like you are not married. Would you tell a potential husband or long-term boyfriend about being XY or having AIS? And if so, when do you think that would be?

  3. I am not married. I have been in long-term relationships where I have shared that I have AIS. Perhaps I am frightened because one of those times was not a very positive experience. It caused me a lot of heartache. The information was used to control me. That being said I think it is important for me to share it with a potential husband or long-term boyfriend because the condition, for better or worse, has shaped my identity as a woman, as a human being. But I am more than just my AIS. It is funny. It is some ways one of the most significant and yet insiginificant details about me. So I have to feel that the sharing is happening in a safe place. I am still the same person I was prior to letting a person know my genotype.

  4. I know exactly what you mean about being both significant and insignificant! Funny isn't it??

  5. I hope this is not too insensitive but I would think that a lot of men would prefer an AIS woman. It sounds like an improvement in many ways. PMS is brutal on men.

    I really don't think that too many men would have a problem with it and many men my prefer it.

  6. Hi there! My boyfriend of two years and and 7 months is aware of my condition from the start. He accepted it readily and has never made me feel less. I don't know if I'm the odds but I'm so glad to have told him from the start as I can be myself and knowing that I have his full love and support with me.We even planned to get married soon this year and he's keeping it a surprise on when and how to ask me =)

    1. Anonymous - I'm so glad to hear it. :) And it's so nice to be able to have that off of your mind. I think that many men appreciate knowing too, even if it wouldn't have made a practical difference. Best of luck on your future marriage! :)

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  8. when my doctor diagnosed me, she actually called me a man. i was so confused, i was crushed. she let me walk home like nothing happened, and i fainted right outside of her buiiding. i woke up and even then i had to explain to my dad what was going on because i went to the doctor alone. i hadnt even told my parents i was getting tests done. i was 17, im 19 now. it was the hardest thing i had ever been through.. up to now, noone knows about this but my parents. they told my aunts. i wasnt happy about it because i knew they'd tell someone else. but i have accepted who i am now.
    it actually made me stronger. at first i had trust issues and i turned down every guy who asked me out because i wanted to be alone the rest of my life. i mean im african, noone here understands. there's 2 people in my country who have been diagnosed, myself included. i dont even know who the other person is. i have no support group or anything like that. noone here has this. they have never even heard of it.

    But i have drawn closer to God because of this, i blamed him at first and he saw my pain and he gave me a kind of peace that i cant even begin to explain. i respect it if you're an atheist :)
    but this has helped me hear the voice of God audibly . and im actually thankful it happened :)
    im now dating someone.. i havent told them about it yet. but he's amazing and i am going to tell him soon :)